just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
