Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize