so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
