I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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