John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
