well he's currently spooning the coffee table
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
