i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
