Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
