The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize