Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will be naked everywhere
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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