gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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