my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
