I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
