That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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