I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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