Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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