When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
