apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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