you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
