I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
