I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
