I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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