so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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