i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
