News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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