we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
