I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
