I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
