Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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