I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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