Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
