sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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