I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
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