Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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