she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
