The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
