if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
