Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
