dude i'm inner monologue high
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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