My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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