if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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