it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
