Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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