I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize