Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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