I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
