omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
