I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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