when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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