I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
