I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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