i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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