You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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