I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
