is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
