Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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