i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
