I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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