I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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