The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
