He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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