My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
