then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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