EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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