Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
