There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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