i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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