Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
