you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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