in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
