Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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