I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
