Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
