Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
