Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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