if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We left the knife in your bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
