If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize