rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
