I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
